by Kelly Palmquist, LMSW
Grief as a Caregiver
Grief is often thought of as a response to death. However, grief at its core can simply be defined as “deep sorrow”. While deeply personal and individualized, grief is in fact a universal experience that most will face at some point in their life.
As a caregiver you may be experiencing an array of emotions. What you may not realize, is that often times these emotions are in fact, grief. This could be grief over a life that looks different than you imagined. Perhaps you are grieving a changing relationship dynamic or loss of intimacy with your partner. Maybe you are worrying about the impending loss of your loved one, or even feeling like that loved one is already gone. Rest assured, these feelings are normal and to be expected. While normal, they can be troubling and do require the use of coping strategies to effectively navigate.
Read on to learn more about the symptoms and different types of grief, as well as how to navigate these emotions in your caregiving role.
Symptoms
Grief can present in a number of ways and across many aspects of your life. It can impact you socially, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically.
From a social standpoint you may feel alone, isolated, and detached. Emotionally, it is possible to have sadness, feelings of overwhelm, guilt, irritability, and a sense of lack of control. Spiritually you may experience questioning, disappointment and anger. Physically you may notice that you have low energy, stomach aches, sleep disturbance, and headaches.
These symptoms are commonly experienced in tandem with grief. It is no coincidence that many caregivers note this same symptom presentation as well.
Understanding the symptoms of grief can help caregivers with navigating this often challenging role. Furthermore, developing a comprehension of the types of grief can help further assist you in this process.
Types of Grief
There are many types of grief. We often only think of the “normal” experience of grief, i.e. a loved one passes away and we mourn them for a period of time. However, anyone who has grieved can tell you that there is no “normal” path when it comes to grief. It is not linear. It ebbs and flows. It rages one day and softly simmers the next. However, understanding the many facets of grief can help us to understand your own experience.
One common type of grief that caregivers experience is anticipatory grief. Anticipatory grief is related to the anticipation of the passing of a loved one. We often begin to grieve our loved one while they are still physically here. I often tell people that preparing to lose my father was like a death by a thousand paper cuts – slow, steady, and painful. This is anticipatory grief in a nutshell. A caregiver may feel grief every day while caring for a partner with a life-limiting illness. That caregiver is likely preparing for and imagining what the experience of loss may look like for them. This can often times be quite anxiety-provoking. An adult child may also experience anticipatory grief as they plan for what life will look like when their parent no longer recognizes them when they walk into a room. This type of grief can be all consuming. We often see caregivers in this situation feel all of the symptoms noted earlier in this article. Anticipation of a loss, whether that be of life or of ability, can be deeply sorrowful for both the Caregiver and the care recipient.
Another type of grief often experienced by caregivers is cumulative grief. This happens when one grief experience gets compiled by, and entangled with another, and then another, and then so on and so forth. A caregiver may be caring for her husband and mother at the same time. She may lose her mother and be mourning that loss while simultaneously experiencing anticipatory grief. That same woman may have also lost her friend to breast cancer three years ago as well. When you add all of those experiences together, you have cumulative grief.
Lastly, caregivers may also experience chronic grief. This is grief that lasts beyond the “typical” bereavement process. This may be due to cumulative, unresolved, and/or delayed grief. Chronic grief is often described as longstanding grief that does not resolve. It perseverates and not time nor space changes it. Some caregivers may “push down” their feelings of grief for an extended period of time and eventually the typical, anticipatory, and cumulative grief collide together to create chronic and longstanding grief. This type of grief can be quite troublesome and often results in a strong presentation of the symptoms discussed earlier in this article.
While grief can be overwhelming, there are healthy ways to cope with these emotions. Read on to learn about strategies you can try to cope with your grief as a caregiver.
How to Cope
The first step in coping with grief in any form is to be willing to acknowledge it. Naming it and speaking it out loud takes courage, but it is necessary for coping and healing. Being willing to say that you are experiencing grief, even if only to yourself, is a powerful strategy in coping with grief as a caregiver.
Beyond acknowledging your grief, being willing to take steps to address the discomfort by giving yourself time and space to experience the emotions associated with your feelings of grief, is another effective coping strategy.
One step towards the above would be to seek out either 1:1 counseling or find a support group you can join. Some people prefer 1:1 counseling to a group setting, and therefore the individual approach may be the best for them. However, seeking out other individuals who have, or are currently, navigating a similar path to you is not only a useful, but a sometimes life-changing approach to managing grief.
Other strategies for coping with grief as a caregiver include practicing self-care, journaling, being active, doing something you enjoy, being with people you love, or spending some alone time to be with your thoughts. It is not lost on me that fitting this in while caring for a loved one is a challenge. The good news is that there are resources available to assist you so that you may be able to give yourself the time and space you need to cope as a caregiver.
Next Steps
Making a plan to address your individual needs is a great first step in managing the demands of caregiving. If building time into your schedule for yourself is what you need, exploring options for hiring help to care for your loved one may be necessary. If you’re having concerning physical symptoms, discussing these with your medical provider is essential. Taking time to address your emotional and spiritual needs are equally important as well. I recommend sitting down and listing out what your needs are currently and then make a plan to address them. If you’re not sure how to properly address each need, consider reaching out to a professional who can assist.
In Upper Michigan, we are lucky to have the Upper Peninsula Commission for Area Progress (UPCAP). In Wisconsin, each county has an Aging and Disability Resource Center (ADRC). You can get connected to these and other community agencies by simply dialing 211. These agencies can help you navigate available resources in the community, which will in turn help you manage the day to day struggles of caregiving.
Please remember that you are not alone on this journey. There are many other caregivers out there walking a similar path and facing the same uphill battles. You are strong beyond measure, but even the strongest of those among us require help from time to time. Grief is an experience we all must face, but where there is grief, there can also be hope.
About the Author
Kelly Palmquist, LMSW, works in the Caregiver Support Program at the Iron Mountain VA Medical Center. In that position, she coordinates the facility’s Program of General Caregiver Support Services. This program offers emotional and educational support to caregivers of enrolled Veterans. The Caregiver Support Program at the Iron Mountain VA Medical Center also has the Program of Comprehensive Assistance for Family Caregivers which provides a stipend to those who meet specific eligibility criteria. If you have questions about the Caregiver Support Program at the Iron Mountain VA Medical Center, please call 906-774-3300 x32705 or visit https://www.va.gov/iron-mountain-health-care/health-services/caregiver-support/.
If you have questions, comments, or have caregiving topics you would like to see on this blog site, please send an e-mail to caregivers@upcap.org.
Until next time, pidä huolta itsestäsi!
Disclaimer: This blog exists to provide general information, not specific professional advice. No content on this site should be used as a substitute for direct medical advice from your physician or other qualified clinician. No products are endorsed on this blog.
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